In the words of my dad, "boys are evil"

Over four years ago I fell for a boy who treated me right for a long time. He became my best friend, for reasons that are quite obvious: he never stood me up, he never canceled plans without a damn good reason, he respected me, he got along with my friends and family, and he never ignored me, even when he was upset with me. You can’t build a relationship without trust or respect, and he was proof of that.

Now, all good things must come to an end, which they did. I was bitter for a long time, but due to a recent series of events, I have come to respect him so much more (how weird is that?). You see, since we broke up, I have been so focused on finding another boy to hold my hand and spend time with me that I haven’t been fully focused on myself. I started to become obsessed with the thought of boys and their place in my life. None of this made any sense to me, because I have the best friends I could ask for in all corners of the world—and some of my closest are guys that I enjoy being around without the pressure of our relationship being anything more than friends. Why was I so focused on adding another boy to my life when I already have some solid ones by my side? But even still, I kept wondering why I seemed to be the only girl without a boyfriend. Was this punishment for having a relationship for two years in high school? I drove myself insane thinking about all the reasons a boy wouldn’t want me—not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not funny enough, not easy enough to take home on the first night. It became so hard to love myself when all of these thoughts were running through my mind. The crazy thing is, I know I’m pretty enough, funny enough and smart enough for a boy to fall for—because it has happened before.

So two weeks ago, when a boy asked me out to dinner, you can imagine my excitement. What will I wear? Will he kiss me? Where will we go? And then, two hours before the date, he canceled. A last minute “family trip” that he felt “so bad about”. And I believed him. I shrugged it off like it was no big deal, and we rescheduled. I thought maybe he really did feel bad if he’s rescheduling. So a week later, I ran through those first date questions once more, got the jitters, put on a perfect outfit that my best friend helped me pick, and I waited. Then, the text came. Stuck at the car dealership. Canceled. Again. This time I wasn’t so forgiving. Sure, I played it off cool and texted him that it was no big deal—because in reality, it wasn’t. But I wasn’t happy. Twice? Seriously? Who does that? And that’s when it hit me—the search for a boyfriend needed to end immediately. Sure, maybe one bad experience wasn’t going to be the basis of the rest of my search. But why was I searching? For a boy to take me out to dinner and kiss me goodnight? Why go through that worry when I have a solid group of girlfriends and guy friends who will go to dinner and spend quality time with me? I was searching for this love that isn’t supposed to be searched for. It’s supposed to just happen. I was trying too hard and it backfired. I know him canceling wasn’t my fault, but it sure put things in a new perspective.

I was over it two hours later. I had a delicious bowl of chicken and dumplings made by my very best friend that I enjoyed while wearing sweatpants and a flannel—which is much better than the outfit I had picked out for my date just hours before. One day I will find someone who respects me and loves every piece of me, and I will love him in return. But for now, I have a heart that is overflowing with love for friends in Maine, friends in Georgia and friends in Hong Kong. I’m so blessed with these golden friendships that have just happened. I didn’t search for any of my friends and I didn’t stress over how to impress them—it just happened. So I’m shutting off my search engine for a boyfriend. Maybe he’ll show up and maybe he won’t, but I’m not worried about it anymore. I’m thankful he canceled twice because he helped show me that I don’t need someone like that in my life. I’m also thankful for the boy I loved for two years who never treated me the way this stranger has treated me. He treated me with respect and I could always count on him to be there. But most of all, I’m thankful for my best friends who not only pick me up when I feel down but prove to me that you don’t need to search the world for love when it has been standing right in front of you the whole time.